Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.

Server: Tartar sauce?

Dentist: *eyes narrow*

If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.

:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”

[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]

Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful

[Flirting]

I can turn anything into a PDF, baby.

ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*

doctor: what is it?

me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?

doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t

“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”

[first day as a 911 operator]

guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!

me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh

It’s the ORDER of mankind’s accomplishments that fascinate me. In 1969, we put men on the moon. In 1970, we put wheels on luggage.

Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.

I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.

I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.

statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents

I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.

[my future self comes back in time]

HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years

ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me

please tinder add AI to your app. i dont want to be involved in the modern dating experience. let a robot do it for me. let the machines suffer in our place

My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone

[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sex

fibonacci: absolutely not

My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.

Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.

3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.

Me: cool.

3yo: cool.

So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.

Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”

[blind date]

HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart

ME {trying to impress her}: blood

*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”

I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.

My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ

who wore it better?

4 a.m.

9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE

daddy: mine’s just starting