If I close my eyes and nod while eating the food you made, it was good.
If you see me eating like a raccoon, it is absolutely amazing.
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ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
Bear knowledge
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*