If I close my eyes and nod while eating the food you made, it was good.
If you see me eating like a raccoon, it is absolutely amazing.
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If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
Give us this day our daily internet validation
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.