Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.

‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…

“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”

You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.

No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.

I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.

– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house

The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.

If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire

I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.

The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.

god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem

oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.

Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.

Sincerely, every parent everywhere.

always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”

Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?

him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery

me: gotcha

[later]

me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*

[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]

ME: i’m sor-

HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?

[typing]

Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?

Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.

Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.

can you read it!!??

maan!

I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex

Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?

Me: I’m sorry, move what?

Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?

I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.

*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*

“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”

Friend: You need help?

Me: I need to write a couple letters.

Friend: OK

Me: Not those.

My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.

How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?

Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?

Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can

Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO

Me: are they human?

Him: no they’re-

Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer

ill check the nooks. you get the crannies.

Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up