Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No one:

Absolutely no one:

My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.

I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.

My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink

Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.

Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…

therapist: and what motivation will we use ?

me: hate fueled spite ?

therapist: no

Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.

Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.

Puffer fish: Dammit.

Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.

“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows

[first date]

Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?

wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep

All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.

Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool

Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented

It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.

If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.

*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?

“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg

*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?

just detonated a tiny nuclear device at my buddy’s house as a prank. scientists say his rumpus room will be uninhabitable for 600 years

I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.

I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.

I don’t need a psychic to tell me which planets make me sad. It’s earth.

Siri, install a monolith on my boss’ front lawn in the middle of the night.

[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]

MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.

ME: what’s for dinner tonight

BRAIN: what

Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though

1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”

[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,