If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
You Might Also Like
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
This is setting unrealistic beauty standards for men. We can’t all kill someone
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
All the stores are selling sexy women’s Santa lingerie because, as it turns out, a lot of dudes, and I mean A LOT, have a thing for Santa Claus.
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
Always a metermaid never a meter
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.