Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.

Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.

i usually decompose after work rather than decompress

If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not

Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.

*makes plans with someone*

(30 seconds later) what have I done

I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”

Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.

if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich

Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs

Jeremy: That’s really cool dad

Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually

[Justice League HQ]

SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight

MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes

I stopped carrying a grudge

Weigh me now

Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.

windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol

90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.

“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins

AI is that friend who is always there for you but gives terrible advice.

Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.

interviewer: are you a good listener

TV captioner: yes

interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately

TV captioner: oh yeah

interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you

At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.

They must have gotten it to go.

I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.

Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.

I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult

I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.

The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.

me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.

him: i like athletic girls

me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk

him: not like that

[at the bank]

Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future

*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*

No thanks.

[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]

Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade