Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*

DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.

I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.

I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.

Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?

doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news

me: oh god

doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared

1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up

Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.

I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.

Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.

I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day

If I was a rock I’d be a pink quartz, polished smooth by my kids’ hands touching me all the time.

imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog

You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.

A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”

Man: I’ll have the steak

Waiter: And, for your side?

M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.

If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing

God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.

Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.

half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both

Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs

Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:

1. You have something you want to do.

2. You write code to do it.

3. The code doesn’t work.

4. You fix the mistakes.

5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.

6. You fix the idea.

7. Goto 2.

Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.

This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.

I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.

When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.

Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.

*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*

umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.

The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.

[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”