Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.

We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace

getting real sick and tired of my therapist knowing what tf he’s talking about when it comes to me and my issues.

Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.

M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!

H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!

M: Never mind, carry on.

ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something

It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.

Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.

A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.

no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????

Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!

[kitchen]

SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.

So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.

Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom

DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.

Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.

I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.

Parenting is easy.

LMAO

Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that

me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]

Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster

So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?

Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels

I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.

My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.

Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.

I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me

Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.

HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.

Me: I would like this urn

Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?

Me: my wife

Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry

[later]

Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present