If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
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I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence