If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
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Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
The internet is full of many things
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
I beg you to euthanise me
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
Calling them “tricks” undermines everything I’m trying to do with the yo-yo.