Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0

Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971

Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️‍🔥

*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.

I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.

Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming

I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.

Me: SPIDER!

Brain: Nope, fluff.

Me: SPIDER!

Brain: That is a fly.

Me: SPIDER!!!

Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.

See you guys when I get out of prison.

My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.

As a kid: the floor is lava

As a parent: the floor is Lego™️

poor people rarely die from ski related injuries

My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.

“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”

[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]

DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.

ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work

I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.

I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!

common English mistakes:

-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place

just leaving a message to let you know I got your text

– voicemails from my dad

I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”

A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.

If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.

MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!

dentist: u need to floss

me: no

dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth

me: really

dentist: in a fistfight

me: that sounds unrelated

dentist: it was my fist. do what i say

When I sprayed my foot with tinactin my 6yo asked what it was for and I told him athletes foot then he said “but daddy you’re not an athlete” and I am so sad that he’ll never understand how sick the burn was that he delivered.

I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.

I hope this email finds you in a well

Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even

“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late

“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late

“in traffic” = just got in a car

“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago

“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*

I put the “pro” in inappropriate

me: there’s a fly in my soup

waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once

me: no, just the one is enough