Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.

I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.

So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No

* 3 days later watching TV

OMG u rearranged the living room

– Men

Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father

6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆

I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”

So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.

When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.

Facebook is so funny. It’s a group called Black Jeep owners and a white man posted him and his black jeep and said “totally misunderstood the group name but I’m rolling w it. I love it here.” 💀💀

*discretely picks a booger*

*slyly wipes it on her blouse*

Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.

screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them

If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.

I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?

just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch

My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.

lol sometimes I-

[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”

HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes

MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed

Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China

What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea

Most people like a little something to remember you by.

Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.

At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house

She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.

Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.

Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?

Fortune Cookie:

For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.

Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?

Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.

“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.

If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.

Top 5 forms of torture

5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro

them: what are you think-

me: FOOD