If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
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The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.