Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*after sex*

Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”

*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.

My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try

When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.

[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex

[parking lot in the 80’s]

*man appears to be having a heart attack*

MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR

ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead

I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.

I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.

booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity

“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself

My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download

Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together

Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.

*sets phone on fire*

“A wine please”

“Sir, this is McDonalds…”

“Okay, a McWine please”

You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.

I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?

So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.

[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”

[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?

anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra

My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”

I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”

Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?

Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.

I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.

How do you stop a rhino from charging?

You take away its USB cable.

ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses

dude it’s called proctologist

I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.

The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?