If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
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Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
Basketball
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?