If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
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“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
PER MY LAST EMAIL
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
Ok in The Quiet Place why do these characters so underutilize the ol “throw a rock over there” trick
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick