If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
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guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
My husband grew up in a small town and always says that the cops harassed his family for no reason and then he’ll proceed to tell me a story that makes me agree with the cops immediately.
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
My real name is maybe one of the top 5 whitest names ever invented and I just picked up my online order at a KFC that is deep in the hood where I’m maybe the only white guy within a mile and as soon as I went in they said “Here he is. Thats (my name)” and I lol’d.
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
Today’s tshirt