If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
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[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
When I take a walk, I bring dog treats and people treats. I almost never mix them up.
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
*seductively corrects your posture*
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
Me, after playing Hot Cross Buns on the recorder: Honestly I didn’t write that, it was a cover. I’m working on some originals though.