Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”

vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian

every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish

“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened

me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?

therapist: i’m all ears

me: *screaming*

“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat

A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.

Penn and Teller is my favourite double act that sounds like 2 things you find in a bank

Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.

My son can not believe he graduated from kindergarten & he still gotta go back to school😂😂😂he thought that shit was over

God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.

Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse

Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?

B: Please shut up

M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters

Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.

Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?

*cops finds my loose floorboard*

Cop: What’s under here…

*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*

Me: I’d like my lawyer now.

Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please

Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store

Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please

Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.

Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.

WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look

When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.

[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him

I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.

Me: Nothing is set in stone.

Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.

I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…

… and that world peace thing.

Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.

Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”

wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat

rules for dating my daughter:

1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm

2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me

3. please be my friend

*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag

E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*

Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.