if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
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23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
Toddlers are like puppies, they don’t care if they’re dirty and smelly and they both have an affinity exploring the trash bin.
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
She’s got style
She’s got grace
She dropped her cellphone on her face
She’s a lady
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
Me: You’re my favorite kid.
My kid: My favorite adult is Santa