Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*

The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.

PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.

did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.

I put a worm in water and it lived. I put a worm in bourbon and it died. So… if I drink bourbon I won’t get worms.

A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.

We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.

Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist

Wedlock even sounds like a threat.

(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.

Eating wings is the opposite of flying

For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31

REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:

So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.

It’s above my pay grade to try to debate or change minds on social media. If you want to call a fish a squirrel, you’re right. Look at that squirrel swim

Dinner time:

*opens fridge & stares

*moves to cabinet & stares

*moves back to fridge & lowers standards

Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.

What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?

Alcohol?

I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.

I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate

Ron Swanson with nurse:

Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?

“I have an uncle who does yoga”

Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…

Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”

nurse: how do you rate your pain

me: zero stars

nurse:

me: would not recommend

Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.

Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.

(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?

the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants

I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?

me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue

She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.

SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore

‘Just Do It (Yourself)’

NIKEA

MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh