if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
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I hate having a ton of anxiety and no energy. It’s like having a tank full of gas and no engine
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
I just can’t think what this suitcase is the best thing since?
. ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎
fair
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
Flex on your kids by asking “are we there yet?” before they do
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
What do you call a laughing motorcycle?
Yamahahahahahahahahaha
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”