if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
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COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
Disney: okay i guess we’ll close the parks but ONLY because it’s above a category 3
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
I’m going to quit the strongman competition. I put in my too weak notice
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
I’m never sure what to do with my hands while I’m holding up a convenience store.
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
being hungover on weekends is inefficient, you should wake up early on weekends and live your life. you should only drink heavily on weeknights so you can recover from your hangovers while on the clock at work