If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
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God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
Cleaning your kids room will piss you off cause why is my Air Fryer in here.
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
You deplete me
Turtles made out of plastic straws, problem solved
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
Wake me when AI does housework
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
Spring cleaning checklist…
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water