If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
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‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.