if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
You Might Also Like
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
Me: Want to go to your classmate’s birthday party?
7yo: Yes, I love him! He’s my favorite! We’re best friends!
Me: What does he like so we can get him a present?
7yo: I don’t know.
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
Do kids still eat Tide Pods? I forgot to buy candy.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
Produced a radio ad in the 1990s for a supermarket’s Pepsi promotion. It was the opening of the can and the pour, with v/o at the end. All very alluring and appetising. We used a can of Coke
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂