Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?

“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”

CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.

Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.

Me: I’m hard at work

HR: this is why you’re fired

me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*

wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine

me: *swallows another quarter* no

Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies

Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*

I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.

I’m tired tomorrow.

Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,

I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.

Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.

if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger

One time, in a restaurant, a dude from a rival gang threw a steak at me, so I threw a lobster at him and we got into a huge surf and turf war.

Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.

Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.

*drinks beer from my glass slipper*

[last supper]

judas: this could’ve been an email

I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.

if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong

I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.

I learned 2 things today:

My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck

That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck

Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.

basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun

2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist

My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.

Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.

[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now

My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere