If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
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me: hey your birthday is one day away
6yo: we just call that tomorrow
me:
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
[going out]
other moms: have fun, be safe!
my mom: I don’t want to see you on Dateline later
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
A patient buying cigarettes from his hospital bed, 1950s
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
shrek 2 was great… but i was disappointed when there wasn’t a second shrek
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes