If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
You Might Also Like
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”