If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
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An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
“Preventative care” means something totally different during parenthood. {moves glass of orange juice away from edge of table}
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
Me: 1yo’s little baby legs are so chonky and sweet. I want to eat them.
3yo: Mommy, NO. We do NOT EAT PEOPLE.
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
Some cool things about NYC are that it’s the nation’s largest city, an international cultural and economic hub, and right now there are about 8 people left running it
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*