If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
You Might Also Like
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.