If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
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CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.