Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.

You are my people.

Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.

Me: 35%?!?… amateur

Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.

Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?

Swallow: *Blushes*

Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!

Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*

<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>

WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks

Suspect thinks you’re mad at them cause you used too much punctuation in your text message

You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet

Me, trying to settle down in bed.

My dog: Raises head high, sniffs repeatedly, then intently stares directly over my head for a good 10- 15 seconds, then shoves his head under a pillow.

Anyone know an exorcist?

[when we’re a quarter of the way there]

Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-

Me: not yet Bon Jovi

This is the best photo of Mount Fuji

Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?

Her: Uh, excuse me?

Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.

White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]

[1st date]

HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency

HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing

Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour

Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong

Me: I haven’t started yet

[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.

also check out:
hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies

[Bar]

Her: I hate drinking alone.

Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.

*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*

Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.

*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*

I was eating sour haribo sweets at the movies one time and I rubbed my eyes and my mates have teased me for years about “crying” over a fucking Avengers movie

named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.

*goes to the gym*

*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*

*hurries to the bar*

My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing

“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.

If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat

Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.

Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?

I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.

My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.

Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging