If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
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I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
What happened to the other hiker??!
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Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
If I have to use a revolving door, there’s an 80% chance I’ll come out the same side I went in.
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
You only live once. Go talk to that gorgeous person… ask them for their phone number, steal their identity, buy yourself a big screen TV
my 9yo: does your friend Scott know that he could just spell his name with one t and it would sound exactly the same?
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.