If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
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wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
fun fact: originally, Greece was just a bunch of separate countries that were each named Grooce.
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.