If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
You Might Also Like
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
A swear jar for Twitter would end world hunger.
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
me watching my own Instagram story
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
A Lunch Poem:
Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
Siri: Retweet me.
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes