If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
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Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo