If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
You Might Also Like
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
I’m in an aspiring artist Facebook group, and everyone shares paintings they’ve done of their kids but not usually the reference photos. Which is great, but I can’t tell if the kid’s just ugly or if the painter needs more practice.
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
Eugene Levy & his wife invited me to a non-alcoholic party.
Drove my Chevy to the Levys but the Levys were dry.
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person