If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
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this is a sign that you need a union
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
When I was a kid, I had this game called ‘Worm Church,’ where I’d bring Worms to my room and read them the Bible.
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
When I was a kid, I literally thought “This little pig went to market” meant it went shopping.
those beautiful naked women have made a compelling argument i’m going to steer this ship into the rocks
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.