If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
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Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
🍛
