If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
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Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
I ran into one of my students at the grocery store with some wine in my cart and he said “that’s because of us isn’t it?”
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
Me, reading some of your tweets
Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
“Theirye’re” problem solved