If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
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Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
Proof of God(s),Anubis spotted in Alberton,South Australia 😲…
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
Me: I’m feeling my age today.
Son: Really? I thought the senses dulled during the late stages of life.
Me: Your sister is my favorite.
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*