If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
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Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
That awkward moment when someone is doing the dishes, and you slowly put your dish in the sink
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
Just a reminder: 3-year-olds like to be given a choice! When you’re getting ready to go, ask them “would you like to wear sneakers or sandals?” so that they feel INCLUDED and EMPOWERED to scream at the top of their lungs that they want to wear their Mickey Mouse bedroom slippers
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
I strut into Bass Pro Shops knowing full well I’m a Bass Amateur
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
Otters see a butterfly.