Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.

One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.

Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”

Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.

Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆

My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.

THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭

Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.

I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”

[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?

Me in super frilly tux: Nope

*Dog walks in also wearing tux*

I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.

Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!

-You mean the mosh PIT, right?

Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*

Me: Super size it!
Pharmacist: No.

I want hashbrown pills.

~the guy who invented Tater tots

I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!

.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.

Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!

Fatted Calf: This cannot be good

Sorry can’t, setting up an alarm on my spice cupboard so my mother-in-law won’t rearrange it

My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.

GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”

thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent

Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.

I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.

just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie

I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”

At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.

“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before

I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.

[gates of Valhalla]

ODIN: did you die in battle?

[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]

ME: ya

Yard reviews

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”

⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”