If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
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Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
Otters see a butterfly.
Love when a doctor emails me about my “outstanding bill” if it’s so good why don’t YOU pay it
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.