If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
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My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
When you’re Kinky but poor
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
The year is 2491. The machines patrol the dusty ruins looking for the last pockets of human resistance. And they STILL haven’t managed to make a packet of biscuits where the “tear here” is aligned with where you actually have to tear.
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
*names my little horse OneTrick*
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.