If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
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Excuse me but would you sign my petition to ban asking people to sign petitions?
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
“Got anything we can actually dance to mate?”
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
Had a picnic and got bitten by every insect known to man. Except for a lady bug, she just sat on my forehead and took a shit.
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
$3 #books
Who wants to be my Valentine?
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
Oh deer
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap