If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
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#SailorMoon ain’t got nothing on…
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
When you’re Kinky but poor
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
A guy at work spent the morning with his fly down.
We won’t mention names because that won’t solve anything and I already feel stupid enough.
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
my name if I was in the mob
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL