If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
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genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
Breaking news:
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
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Me: Same.