Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple

Get off my horse you stupid moon

Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though

A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.

I don’t cry when I cut onions because I have this little thing called composure.

You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.

Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.

For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.

Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.

Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.

Auto correct is my worst enema.

so cool that kids can now text you from school and ruin your day in real time

How do bananas greet each other?

“Yellow”

I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes

His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”

her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?

me: he’s my life coach

her: you wanna go to olive garden?

*duck whispers in my ear*

me: that’s a yes

Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.

*seductively eats two tums*

Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.

Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.

*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?

If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.

[speed dating]

Her: Nice to meet you

Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION

in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.

Should have let Marvel produce 2020.

When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.

Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.

I won’t rest until a cure for insomnia is found.

My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!

I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.

If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*

Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.

Me: (Sigh) There she is.

Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.

Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!

“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign