Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: dang those wings were spicy

WebMD: you have cancer

Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn

WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ

I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.

Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!

Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good

Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.

whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person

I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson

A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.

[first date]

ME: so where are you from?

HER: I’m Finnish

ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]

HER: wtf?

What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.

Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.

Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole

MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.

A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune

Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!

Doctor: is your finger broken?

No, I don’t think so….

Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.

“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw

They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.

“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”

new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed

My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.

I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.

I’ll see myself out.

My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream

[at Doctor’s office]

“When’s the last time you had sex?”

Last night.

“With a male or female?”

Oh…with another person?

Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup

Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressing

Saying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper

I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.

I’m sorry…

…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.

Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name

H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.

Me: Good idea.

[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]

I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB

My mom used to beat me with a camera.

I still get flashbacks.

wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again