If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
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Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”