If I could have lunch with anyone, alive or dead, I would choose alive, because dead people won’t pass the f***ing salt.
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no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
I’m standing in the middle of the party with a bag full of burritos just now realizing B.Y.O.B. was referring to beer.
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
[day after the beast’s household got turned back into people]
beauty:beast:
beauty:
beast:
beauty: …so we just don’t have cups now?
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
Oops I deleted….
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
Worth the read.
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?