If I could have lunch with anyone, alive or dead, I would choose alive, because dead people won’t pass the f***ing salt.
You Might Also Like
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
These dogs look like they have good credit.
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
7yo: Want to know how I got so good at math?
Me: Yes.
7yo: I found out there was a calculator on my watch, and I pretend to read the time in class now.
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.