Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling

STOP disrespecting my family

my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG

my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE

my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND

me

my grandmother is A SAINT

Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restart

Me: I’d like to restart

Windows:

“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.

“Sookie!”

-70% of True Blood dialogue

[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted

This was my dad’s browser history.

hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this

me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that

People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes

After taking this customer satisfaction survey, please take a brief survey to let us know how your experience taking our survey was.

I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.

It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing

I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?

Texas.

Where the vegan menu item is chicken.

Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it

Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.

Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.

My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple

My fingers: so we did a thing

Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.

Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!

My phone:

My phone:

My phone:

My phone:

My hands: holding anything messy.

My phone: *ring*

when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.

Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot

Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster

Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?

Original Oreos.

This is why science literacy is so important, kids.

Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.

Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.

First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.

Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”

Me: “Oh, no thank you.”