Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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[lava kids playing in a volcano]

“the floor is linoleum!”

When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.

Barista: Latte for Waldo

Barista: Do we have a Waldo here

Barista: Where’s Waldo

Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that

moderator: your word is “impatient”

sloth: can you use it

moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“

sloth: in a

moderator: you know what close enough *ding*

sloth: oh great thank you

moderator: what the

My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁

A person on the check out saw my son holding a dinosaur toy & tried to play with him saying “ahh will it eat me!?” & he just looked at her, with the straightest, most confused face ever, and said “no, it’s a herbivore” 😂 #Autism

carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…

One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.

I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White

I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store

If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die

This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.

Start of the article: but what if only three people read it

End of the article: at least only three people will read it

The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works

Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday

My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.

They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.

at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.

Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.

Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.

“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”

My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.

“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers

[dragging a corpse to the shed]

NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?

ME: decorations?

People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?

Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.

Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.

Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!

Cake hits so much harder off a plastic fork.