Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch

*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*

Why is it spelled camouflage and not

always very funny to me when people get all dressed up for thanksgiving. you’re going to stand around your nana’s house do we really need to be doing business casual here

I accidentally squirted body spray in my mouth and now I speak with an Axe scent.

Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me

You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.

Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?

me: well, I am not certain but

Doctor: *eyes wide*

Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time

Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face

[social gathering]

guy: wow, you work in an ER?

me: yep

guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?

me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit

taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in

[blind date]

HER: I love classic rock.

ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.

cry laughing at this shit

Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner

Visiting the cinema back in the day and asked to see “12 Monkeys”. The person serving me asked “How many?”, to which I genuinely replied with some confusion “12?”. Still makes me laugh and cringe in equal measure.

My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004

It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display

9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool

Couples therapist: what scares you the most?

Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other

Me: when the washing machine goes really fast

I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.

COP: drop the gun

CRIMINAL: no

COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no

romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”

I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”

I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.

god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend

dog: cool

god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide

horse: nice

chicken: and what do i get to do?

god: uhhh

chicken: god what do i get to do

Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority

Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?

Me: What if the seller is a murderer?

Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?

Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage

inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”