If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
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pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
I’m listening to an anger management podcast and after every point the host makes he directs us to his website to buy his program and ngl it’s pissing me off
At this point in my life I don’t need someone with potential. You need to show up already potenched
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
Me when I hear gossip
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
Natural selection at its finest
panicking because i don’t know how to tell the cicadas all that’s happened in the last 17 years
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
Am I high or is this air conditioner unit stargazing with her legs out the window right now
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set