If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
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At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
instead of being constantly irritated by other people’s flaws i’ve decided to become more self-absorbed
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.