If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
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If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
The most accurate map ever devised.
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
I’m having an out of money experience.
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
House salad yeah what’s next techno fries
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.