If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
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FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
HR: Please remember to log into the portal and update your goals!
Me: Ok. My only goal is to continue getting a paycheck.
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
Roses are red,
Wine is red,
Poems are hard,
Wine.(Not mine, but very lovely)
There was a frozen piece of salmon at the bottom of my fridge I tried to cook after seasoning but I’m realizing this is a mango
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778