If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
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Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
currently into monogamous friendships. if u have Other friends please dont talk to me it hurts my heart
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
My granddaughter told me that her boss wanted her to sign up for a 401k but she told him that there was no way she could run that far.
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”