Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!

Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.

Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?

If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”

Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.

[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.

if you relate to me, get some help

Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.

T: You need a break
M: Yes.

T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?

T: Hell no.

Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?

I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.

I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.

Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.

Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.

Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.

If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.

Wife: How was work?

Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into

W: I despise you

“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.

Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.

I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.

sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?

[phobia support group]

host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.

me: [tearing up]

host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?

me: tsunamis

“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”

actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels

It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you

Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”

Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list

I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life

I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.

Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes

[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]

*at a shower

Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.

[friend whispers to me]

Sorry. Wedding dress.

Kid: *from the back seat* Daddy, when a snowflake gets made, how does one side know what the other side looks like?

Me: It’s because…holy shit

Kid: You just ran that stop sign

Me: Shut up give me a second