If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
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My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
Remember folks 😂
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.