If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
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The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
I toss and turn in bed all night like a beautiful rotisserie chicken.
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
cop: *vomits*
detective: first axe murder, huh?
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
like last october and the one before that gotta go to human resources for talking in dracula
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
I’d hang this in my house.
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.