If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
You Might Also Like
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
My husband met us at the park and surprised me with a large iced coffee and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I just had a large iced coffee so now I’m vibrating and going to piss myself
We’re limited only by our imagination and like three or four federal agencies.
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*