If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
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Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
prediction: there will be an earthquake 21 minutes ago
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
once I posted “it’s funny how ‘the Hague’ is like the only city that randomly decided to give itself a definite article” and everyone was like “don’t you live in Los Angeles”
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o