Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all

My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.

Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.

“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”

doctor: we need to draw some blood

4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one

Is Mark short for something like Markathon?

My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.

My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.

Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.

Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”

I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.

“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers

Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?

Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.

The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together

Me: I want you inside of me.

Him: Wow.

Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?

Him: Why are you like this?

Agriculture can’t possibly be a dying industry. Bot farms are booming.

They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.

Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…

[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?

just witnessed a drug deal

[job interview]

Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?

2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:

1) escape the bathroom

2) open a beer

Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.

This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.

kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it

Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.

doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom

Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.

Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather

Me:

Her:

Me: you study whether what?

My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.

I’m impressed.

They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.

How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.

5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.