Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.

There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.

Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”

Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”

*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”

Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.

Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.

Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum

2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”

Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho

wtf is an acronym

My kids, after they’ve said they’re full, “but our dessert stomach is empty!”

Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.

“and who is your primary care doctor” buddy it’s 2024. are you also gonna ask me who my butler is or where I’ve parked my lamborghini, be for real

My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am

Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.

doctor: are u sexually active

me: no i just sort of lay there

911: 911, What’s your emergency?

Me: It’s John again.

911: John, seriously!!!

Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.

Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock

My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started a little early.

Wife: what’d you do after work?

Me: I may have taken a nap

Wife: you may have or you did?

Me: I may have did

Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.

Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.

Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.

Not all drugs are cool, but one is dope

Don’t throw away old pyjamas. Collect as many pairs as you can, and in the middle of the night spread them out on Russell Brand’s front lawn so that when he wakes up he’ll think he’s missed the Rapture.

me: how was your camping trip

5 y/o: good

me: what’d you guys do

5 y/o: camped

i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly

*hangs out at graveyard*

I like older men.

A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold

Little Red: I’m going to grandmas

Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy

Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?

Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun