If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
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Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
i love modern commerce
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this