If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
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Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
Imagine having a cool ass name like Theodore, and then people just call you Ted.
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick