If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
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[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
rise and shine we got egg
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
Me: (exists)
Wasp: I have opinions about that
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
“Amanda Seyfried (left)”
Celebrated fall by going to the state fair and spending a mortgage payment on deep fried oreos and water.
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”