If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
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“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom