Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Okay

What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*Quicksand

What I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”

These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.

i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.

I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.

when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”

I created you as mosquito food.

[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this

I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.

I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.

Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.

i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy

Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro

[blind date]

Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”

ME *trying to impress him*

“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”

Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.

Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.

doctor: are you sexually active?

me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active

guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name

please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.

you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.

You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.

I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.

“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”

Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?

i’m a 10 but in the psych ward i’m a 13.

SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt

SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.

SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?

SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches

To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.

My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.

To make a long story short:

Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die