Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.

I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.

Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.

You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.

Celery is depressing green water wafers.

[Job interview]

“How would you describe yourself?”

“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”

“Anything else?”

“Over-literal sometimes.”

On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.

so no one told you life was gonna be this way

MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?

DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.

I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.

Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?

Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago

I hired a PR team.

They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.

I executed the PR team.

If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist

me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”

Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet

Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-

*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*

Me: We have to go NOW

Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.

Ad: Buy 4, get one free.

Me: I’ll take 10 then.

In case you haven’t checked Facebook,

It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!

Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it

Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower

i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely

[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new

[My first day as a garbageman]

Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.

Me: Goddammit

*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?

Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.

Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”

Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life

Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.

Y’all I’m dead AF over this 😂😂😂😂😭😭😭☠️☠️☠️

HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.

“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.

Threatening to send my cat to Ohio if she doesn’t stop shredding my paper towels.

My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”

Pray for me