Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.

I remember when things only cost an arm.

I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does

I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog

So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?

Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.

Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.

Daddy, where do bananas come from?

Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…

*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*

Kid: But that means-

*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*

how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year

My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.

I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.

My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.

love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind

Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.

Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??

My car:

I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922

*sewing*

A thread

[barbarians at the gate]

Me: I just need to let this song finish…

My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me

Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?

Cop2: should we go help?

Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.

This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”

MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]

[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there

me: how much is the funny smelling spray

clerk: perfume?

me: no the whole bottle

when someone rings the doorbell

*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*

HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?

ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes

ME: wow your correct

FRIEND: *you’re

ME: -ions are presumptuous

If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.

*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*

I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car