if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
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Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.
Someone just called country music ‘farm emo’ and I’m dying
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
3yo: Mommy I peed in the bathroom!
Me: That’s great pal! …. Wait in the toilet?
3:…
Me: Did. You. Pee. In. The. Toilet?
3:…
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.