If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
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If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
Isn’t
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.