If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
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I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
Effort made
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
As a kid I wasn’t allowed to dress up and go trick or treating. So as an adult I enjoy it even more, and wish there were more satanic holidays.
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving
I love writing tweets but what I really want to do is direct and produce them